Just so you are warned, this post is very raw account of my struggle with mental illness. I wanted to write it for a few reasons.
First, it is part of my story now. Not a happy part of my story, but a part that will hopefully help me and others.
Second, I am not ashamed of my mental health issues. I have is a disease that requires treatment.
Over the last few weeks, I have had some bad days. Some really bad days, where all I wanted to do was sleep. Every time I left the house, I would think about how I should cancel my plans with my friends so that I could sleep. I wasn't doing very well, but I was also hiding it pretty well.
Then one day I hit rock bottom.
I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up; I wanted to die. Luckily, in a moment of clarity, I called Ben. In tears, I told him that I wasn't doing very well, and he knew something was wrong and came home from work. I sat and cried and he held me. I called our medical person, who got me in touch with the Regional Psychiatrist. When she called that night, I told her exactly how I felt, and that I had suicidal thoughts. It was suggested that I go to Washington DC to seek help. Both Ben and I felt like it was the right thing to do, so we started making arrangements. I called my mom, and she and my dad did everything they could to get her to Sri Lanka so she could help with the boys.
The next 48 hours or so were a blur. I said goodbye to Ben and the boys, and I wasn't sure when I would see them again. I was still having suicidal thoughts at that point, and I wasn't sure if I would see them again. Also, if I was able to overcome the suicidal thoughts, I wasn't sure when I would be allowed to come back to post.
I arrived in Washington DC, and got settled into an apartment. That is when I announced on Facebook that I was in DC for depression.
The good news, I am doing much, much better. I had some changes to my medications, and I have found the desire to exercise again. I have been getting out everyday, and keeping myself busy. I am meeting with a Psychiatrist here, and things are looking up. The suicidal thoughts are gone, and I am able to enjoy life again.
The good that has come of this:
I have never felt so loved in my entire life. My friends and family have really shown their true colors. I have received the sweetest messages. Some of my friends put together a video of the song "Cups" from the movie Pitch Perfect for me- which was awesome-thank you Lisa and ladies. One friend dropped of cookies. Several friends in Colombo have taken the boys on play dates and made sure that Ben was doing okay.
I know that God loves me, and is aware of me.
If my life could be measured by my friends and family, then my life is perfection.
I have new medication and a new diagnosis that will help pinpoint the problem, and help solve it.
I will keep moving forward. Life is good.