5.03.2020

Reframing. Hope.

Me and my boys. 



Good morning. It is so good to see you. The last time I saw you, things were pretty heavy. Shame is a heavy topic. Shame can be a little uncomfortable. That’s okay. Big emotions can be uncomfortable, and unless we acknowledge them and deal with them, they will continue to be uncomfortable.

Today, however, I would like to talk about hope. Today I want to tell you the next step in my desire to no longer feel shame.

After I wrote the last blog post, I decided to take my thoughts and feelings to my therapist. She asked me to come up with a situation in which I felt like I didn’t like motherhood. As it happened, it was just a few weeks ago. We were on a walk, and one of the kids did something, and immediately my thought was “I hate being a mom”. It seemed to come out of nowhere. It was frustrating, and sad, but I couldn’t get over it. The entire walk, I just kept thinking, I don’t like being a mom. My therapist took me back to the moment this feeling started. I described that we were on a walk, and one of my kids was walking close to the railing that is over the freeway. It was in that moment that I felt it. As I was describing the moment to my therapist, she asked me if I felt scared for the safety of my child, and I said that I did- I have this weird fear of falling over railings-even if it is not very logical. We worked through this, and discovered that in the moment that I thought about how I didn’t like being a mom, I was actually scared for my child, and that it manifested itself in not like being a mom. I was afraid. I was afraid for my child, and I didn’t know what to do. I don’t like not knowing what to do, so I just jumped to “I don’t like being a mom.” You guys!!! Do you know what this means? I can reframe this specific situation and instead of telling myself that I don’t like being a mom- I can tell myself that I am afraid that my child is going to get hurt. And work through that. 
The next time we went for a walk, and my child started walking close to the railing, I just told him that when he walks so close to the railing- it makes me afraid, and if he could walk on the other side of me. Which he did, and I felt better.
Do you know what else that means? I can go back into the moments I remember thinking “I don’t like being a mom” and reframe it. Because you know what? Most of the time it was because I was afraid of something- judgement, safety, failing... you get the idea. Instead of working through the fear, I just jumped to “I don’t like being a mom”. I can change the narrative. Do you know how empowering this is? Do you know how this changes my entire life?

I’m not saying that everything has changed, but it has changed enough that I feel hopeful that I can show up in motherhood in a new way. I am taking my power back.

A good therapist is worth their weight in gold.



4.19.2020

Shame.



For almost 13 years I have been living in shame. I have shared bits and pieces of my shame, because that is how I am, but never felt fully comfortable sharing it until now. I listened to a podcast by Brene Brown, about comparative suffering. I have felt shameful because motherhood is not what I expected and it does not fulfill me. I didn’t want to talk about it because I know that there are people that are in pain because they cannot have children. I didn’t validate my feelings because of that. I also felt guilty because I don’t want my kids to think that I don’t love them. I would never want my kids to think that I don’t love them. I would never want anyone to think that I am ungrateful for the blessing that having kids is. I am grateful for having Jackson and Thomas. They have made me a better person, and my life is better because of them.

Here is the thing. I wanted to be a mom. I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom and give my life to raising kids. I lived my life that way-dropping out of school- not thinking I would need an education, or a job or a career because I was going to be a mom.

Then I had Jackson, and everything changed. I was depressed. I was overwhelmed. I had postpartum depression. I had Thomas. I was depressed. I was overwhelmed. I had postpartum depression. I didn’t handle the challenge of motherhood very well. I didn’t like leaving my house. I didn’t like who I was. I felt stuck.  I went to a therapist. I started medication. I felt better. I thought that it was enough.
I was supposed to me a mom. I was supposed to love being a mom. Being a mom was supposed to be my life. I didn’t have anything outside of being a mom. I had to be a mom, and I wasn’t happy. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

After years I found joy in other things outside of being a mom. I have realized that I need to create a life outside of being a mom. I regret years ago dropping out of school because I didn’t think I could have a career and be a mom at the same time. I think that would have made a difference. I can’t change that now, but I can move forward knowing what I need.
The thing is. My kids need me right now. I have a job I love, but I wish I could be more. I wish things were different. I mourn what could have been, but move forward with hope. Hope that no matter what I need to do for my kids I can do my best.

I am working on not being ashamed of my feelings of motherhood. I am moving forward without guilt. Some days are harder than others.

I will do what it takes so that my children will grow up to know that I love them. To know that I love myself. To know that life is hard. To know that we can do hard things. And all feelings are valid. And just because you don’t like something doesn’t mean you give up on it.


1.30.2020

My life is good. My life is great. My life is good. My life is great.

It’s Thursday. I’ve had a bit of a rough week. You know, the kind of days you don’t want to get out of bed and face life. But today is a better day.

1. I think I’m going to lose two toenails. Well, maybe I won’t lose them, but they are black. It makes me feel like I am a legit runner. I don’t always feel like a legit runner. I would say more of a jogger. I jog. I’m not fast. I jog on a treadmill. I don’t like being out in the cold. I like jogging outside in the spring and early morning summers, but other than that, I like a treadmill.

2. Did I tell you I’m starting to take classes to work towards my bachelors? One of the regrets in my life is not getting my bachelors degree. So, I am working towards it. Starting this summer. I am so excited to start. I just want to get it finished. I am only taking a few classes at a time, so that I won’t overdo it, but I am taking one foot in front of another. The only thing I’m nervous about is a Statistics class I have to take. Ugh. One foot in front of another.

3. You know what makes Thursday even better? Making it a pizza night.

4. I went and had a root canal redone, but it was so infected, they weren’t able to fix it. So I have to go back next week. I’m glad it isn’t worst case scenario, which included an implant and thousands of dollars so that’s awesome.

5. Although it makes me happy to have warmer weather forecasted for the next little while, I am seriously disappointed with the lack of snow days this year. It’s a shame we have a lo of snow days built in, and we have only used one. Boo.

I hope you all had a good Thursday. Today was a good day for me.

Love you. Mean it.

1.26.2020

Sunday is the most special day of the week.






Ben’s home! So he was part of my #emilyselfieatchurch and my outfit and my hair were fantastic. Also, the little girl that sits in front of us a church drew me and my outfit. It was amazing. I love it when kids give me pictures. It’s one of my favorite things.

Happy Sunday everyone.

1.23.2020

When life hands you a rainbow sweater, you wear it with red lipstick.




It’s Thursday night at 7:00. I’m tired and ready for bed. It’s been a long week. Kind of emotional, kind of awesome, and kind of rough.

1. Most importantly-Ben is coming home this weekend. So that is very exciting.
2. Due to everything that is happening in the world right now, Ben’s leave has been canceled. Which means, I can no longer go run my race at Disney World. I will have to find another race to run. I am disappointed, but its going to be alright.
3. I have to have a root canal redone tomorrow. I’m not excited about it. If it works, I will be extremely happy. If not, I will have to spend thousands to fix it. So lets hope tomorrow is successful.
4. I have one more week of my month of no social media.
5. I think I only have four. I think I am done. I am ready for bed. I am ready for Ben to be home.

I hope that everybody has had a great day.

Love you. Mean it.
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