Self Image

In the spring/summer of 2014, I gained 50 pounds.  I felt completely horrible about myself.  It was devastating to me.  I bought clothes, and I didn't understand why they didn't fit.  I saw pictures of myself and would start crying. I hated the way I looked.  I couldn't understand why I had gained so much weight.  I think it was because of the new medication I was put on, but who knows.  I got rid of any clothes that didn't fit me, and I bought a new wardrobe.  I stopped taking full length pictures of myself.  I started looking at myself differently, and it was depressing.  I was still exercising.  I didn't think I was eating that much.  I was glad we moved because people wouldn't know that I had gained weight.  They would just think that is what I looked like.

A lot changed for me.  I had a lot more empathy for people who lose and gain weight.  I started the process of loving myself no matter what weight I was.  It was hard.  Most days I was okay with how I looked, and other days I struggled.  I really saw how much I depended on how I look to think well of myself.  It was a struggle.  I never fully won that battle, but I don't know that I ever will, no matter what my size.  Then I stopped taking the medication, and competed in a health challenge.  I lost 40 pounds.  It was amazing.  I was almost to the same weight that I started.  I don't think I'm fat, but I'm not skinny either. I think I will struggle with body image issues for the rest of my life.  I don't know that it is something I can get over.  I have become too worried about fat vs. skinny, firm vs. flabby.  It is too bad, because besides this issue, I have a lot of confidence and think I am absolutely amazing.  I have so much going for me, and wish that I could overcome this one challenge.