When the pandemic hit, I felt out of control. Everything around me was in chaos. I called crying to my doctor to change my medications, I called two different therapists, I called someone to offer hypnosis. I was spiraling.
After a few weeks, things in my mind seemed to be settling down, but then I started gaining weight. The gym was closed and my back was hurting so I would go on two hour walks. Then the gym opened up, but I was only comfortable using the cardio machines, so I would use them for 1.5-2 hours a day. And I was still gaining weight. I hired a weight loss coach, and was only able to lose a few pounds. It all came back as soon as I stopped dieting. I worked through the weight gain with a therapist. I was mostly comfortable in my body. Now my only goal was to not gain anymore weight. I started making myself throw up. It started out every once in awhile, and ended up daily. It went on for a few months. I wanted to stop because I knew it was not good for me, but I. COULDN'T. STOP.
Then I got COVID and couldn't eat because I was so nauseous. I wasn't making myself throw up because I couldn't eat anything.
But you guys. It was the reset I needed. It's only been a few weeks, but I haven't made myself throw up at all. Don't be mistaken, I've also been working with therapists, and a life coach to help me. But I just wanted to celebrate this.
For me, this is a huge win. I don't know what it looks like in the future, but for right now, I am so grateful to be where I am.
2 comments:
No words of wisdom, but lots of hugs. Good luck - you're doing great.
Oh Em. I'm so sorry you've been struggling. I had this same issue when I was in HS. When I felt like things weren't in my control, I would make myself throw up too. Know that I am here if you ever want to talk.
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