Questions.

I have had several moments the last few days that have really opened my understanding to life.  I have been really struggling with some tough questions, like why do so many women suffer from some sort of depression because they have children?  Or why a mom with young kids would have to have a diagnosis of cancer?  Why is it that families that really want kids, can't?  Or why isn't life fair? Life is hard.  There is pain, sorrow, and hurt.  I know some of the answers to questions, but I certainly don't know everything.  In my attempt to find out, I tried to control the answers I would receive.  Yes.  I was trying to control God, not really the best thing to do.  (Remember, I am working on control issues.) 

All that I was doing was adding to my frustration with a side of anger.  It wasn't going well. 
Then over my weekend in paradise, I read the book "The Hiding Place" By Corrie ten Boom.  There was one part where she asked her dad a question, and this is how he responded.

He turned to look at me, as he always did when answering a question, but to my surprise he said nothing. At last he stood up, lifted his traveling case off the floor and set it on the floor.

Will you carry it off the train, Corrie?" he said.

I stood up and tugged at it. It was crammed with the watches and spare parts he had purchased that morning.

It's too heavy," I said.

Yes," he said, "and it would be a pretty poor father who would ask his little girl to carry such a load. It's the same way, Corrie, with knowledge. Some knowledge is too heavy for children. When you are older and stronger, you can bear it. For now you must trust me to carry it for you."

 
I realized that some of my questions might be above my understanding.  I need to have faith and patience.  Someday I might have my answers that I want.  Maybe not, but I need to know that I have a loving Father in Heaven that knows what I need.
 
The second experience was in a Burger King.  This particular Burger King had the biggest/tallest play place I have ever seen.  It was about two stories high, and the slide was at the very top, winding and twisting the full length of the play place.  Jack had a hard time getting to the slide.  He would climb and climb, get frustrated he wasn't there, and turn and come back down.  One time he had only two platforms to climb, he looked out at me, and I told him he only had two more to go.  He climbed one more, and he got scared or frustrated, I couldn't really tell.  I tried to tell him he only had one more to go, and he would find the slide, but it didn't help.  I asked him if he wanted to get to the slide, and he said yes.  I told him all he had to do was go up a little more and he would be able to see the slide, but he looked up and down, and decided to come down.  He came down to me, and said that he still wanted to go to the slide.  I told him he was so close, just go and try again.  He eventually made it down the slide and loved it.  He went down several times, and was so happy with himself. 

I could see that all he needed to do was go up a little further to make it where he wanted to be.  Jack couldn't see that.  All he could see was that he had already climbed so high, and that the end was nowhere in sight.  I tried to tell him that I could see the slide, and that he was so close- all he had to do was a little more work.  I couldn't do it for him; it was something he would have to do on his own.

My life is like that.  All I can see is what I have done, and the problems that I have already gone through.  It seems like all I have done is for nothing.  I can't see the end.  I just want to climb back down and not put any more work into it.  However, there is One that knows what is at the end.  He can see where I need to go, how to get to where I want to be.  I need to trust in that.  Keep going.  Keep moving forward.  (And give up trying to control everything.)

The third experience I had is I have a friend that e-mailed me with some great advice.  Sometimes as mothers we have to experience things, (although they seem hard at the time), that end up being a tender mercy from a loving Father that knows what experiences we need to help others (especially our own children). 

To be honest, I don't know if I will ever have the answers I want.  I do know that peace has replaced some of the frustration and anger in my heart.  It is a good step, and I need to keep going. 

Discovery.

When I was sixteen, I decided I was going to go on a mission.  My decision was derailed for a few years when I had no intention of talking about religion let alone go for a year and a half to be a missionary.  A few years later, and a lot of life lessons learned, I made it on a mission.
Almost immediately, I knew that I had made the right decision.  Being a missionary fit me like a cozy sweater.  It made me all warm and fuzzy on the inside.  (On the outside I was freezing, I was sent to Rochester, NY with one winter in Rochester and one winter in Buffalo, which makes me cold just thinking about it.)  One of my favorite parts of being a missionary was knocking on doors, in missionary lingo- tracting.  I loved this part.  Each door was something and someone new.  Some opened doors quickly slammed when they saw the black name tag.  Sometimes people yelled.  Sometimes the door was only opened long enough to say, "We're all set".  Sometimes my companion (missionaries come in twos) and I would spend hours on long country roads and not have one door open.   Sometimes the door opened and stayed open.  It was awesome to be able to talk to people all day about something I love so much.  Some of the most interesting conversations I have ever had in my life came from someone opening their door.  The best conversations came when there was a connection between myself, my companion, and the person we were talking to.  Sometimes this connection lasted a few minutes, sometimes only a fleeting moment.  There are people behind some doors I will always feel a connection to.  These moments changed my life, they made me more aware of who I am, discover what I am worth, and helped me to be more humble (still working on that one).
I loved being a missionary.  It prepared me for my life as a wife and a mother.  I am so grateful I decided to go on a mission; I know that it changed my life for the better.

I love check marks.

Remember last month when I said that I was going to read the Book of Mormon before my birthday?  Well I did it!  I actually finished this last weekend.  It was awesome.  It really helped me to refocus my life.  I found that I would turn off the TV more so that I could squeeze in some reading time.  I found myself wanting to play more with Jack and read to him.  It was a good month.  When I finished, Ben asked me if there was anything that stuck out to me when I was reading, it made me think. 

Here is what I gained/learned:

• An appreciation for my kids.  When I was reading in Third Nephi when the Savior came to the people on the American continent, he wanted to spend time with the children.  He took each child one by one and blessed them and prayed for them.  When He had blessed each one, He said "behold your little ones."  I know that Christ knows each one of us, and that our children are precious to Him.  That each of us is precious to Him. 
• As I started putting more energy into reading, I felt closer to my Savior.  As I felt closer to the Savior, my relationships also grew stronger.  I found that as I spent more time reading and pondering what I was reading, I felt an increase of love towards those around me. As soon as that happened, it was easier to have patience with my kids, my husband, and myself.  Reading truly helped me become more Christ-like. 
• I gained an appreciation for those who wrote the Book of Mormon.  Many times, they mention their weakness in writing.  Sometimes I think when we put ourselves out for others to judge, we can be quite hard on ourselves.  Like writing a blog, speaking in church, teaching a lesson, calling a friend when you have the feeling they might need to talk, or making new friends.  However, when we follow our promptings, the Lord will give us the ability and strength to do what we need to.

I am grateful for this month that I had to really put a lot of effort into reading the Book of Mormon.  It has blessed my life.

Spirituality and Goals.

Lately, my spirituality has been somewhat lacking. I have been really trying to think of things that I could do to increase my feeling of closeness to the Lord. Unfortunately, with two kids, there is little time to spare for the things that I have done in the past to regain my feeling of peace, and when I have that time, I usually drown myself in stupid TV.
This is what I came up with. I am going to read the Book of Mormon in it's entirety by my birthday (September 29). I know that this is a little ambitious, but I know that I can do it. I will have to give up some of my computer and TV time to do this, but it will be good for me.
If anyone would like to join me, that would be great- let me know, we can encourage each other. If not, I would also love it if you would help me with some ideas of what you do to increase your spirituality. If it is lengthy, have a lot of ideas, or just don't feel like putting in the comments for all to see, feel free to e-mail me- edex89 at hotmail dot com.
P.S. If you see me, or talk to me, feel free to ask me how I am doing...I might need some reminding/encouraging. :)