Day of Independence

 

This year the 4th of July hits differently. I've been frustrated by the recent decision to overturn Roe v. Wade. It actually makes me quite upset. That doesn't mean that I will not celebrate those who, like Ben, give so much for the freedoms we do enjoy. It will also not stop me from celebrating that I am able to vote, and will continue to vote in every election I can. I might not be able to control who is appointed to the Supreme Court, but I can control how I show up and vote. Today I celebrate knowing that there are many people like me, many people who will continue the fight. 

On a lighter more positive note, this outfit might go down as one of my favorites of all time. 

Dear Diary. I'm kind of messed up.

When the pandemic hit, I felt out of control. Everything around me was in chaos. I called crying to my doctor to change my medications, I called two different therapists, I called someone to offer hypnosis. I was spiraling. 

After a few weeks, things in my mind seemed to be settling down, but then I started gaining weight. The gym was closed and my back was hurting so I would go on two hour walks. Then the gym opened up, but I was only comfortable using the cardio machines, so I would use them for 1.5-2 hours a day. And I was still gaining weight. I hired a weight loss coach, and was only able to lose a few pounds. It all came back as soon as I stopped dieting. I worked through the weight gain with a therapist. I was mostly comfortable in my body. Now my only goal was to not gain anymore weight. I started making myself throw up. It started out every once in awhile, and ended up daily. It went on for a few months. I wanted to stop because I knew it was not good for me, but I. COULDN'T. STOP. 

Then I got COVID and couldn't eat because I was so nauseous. I wasn't making myself throw up because I couldn't eat anything.

But you guys. It was the reset I needed. It's only been a few weeks, but I haven't made myself throw up at all. Don't be mistaken, I've also been working with therapists, and a life coach to help me. But I just wanted to celebrate this. 

For me, this is a huge win. I don't know what it looks like in the future, but for right now, I am so grateful to be where I am. 

 

Reframing. Hope.

Me and my boys. 

Good morning. It is so good to see you. The last time I saw you, things were pretty heavy. Shame is a heavy topic. Shame can be a little uncomfortable. That’s okay. Big emotions can be uncomfortable, and unless we acknowledge them and deal with them, they will continue to be uncomfortable.

Today, however, I would like to talk about hope. Today I want to tell you the next step in my desire to no longer feel shame.

After I wrote the last blog post, I decided to take my thoughts and feelings to my therapist. She asked me to come up with a situation in which I felt like I didn’t like motherhood. As it happened, it was just a few weeks ago. We were on a walk, and one of the kids did something, and immediately my thought was “I hate being a mom”. It seemed to come out of nowhere. It was frustrating, and sad, but I couldn’t get over it. The entire walk, I just kept thinking, I don’t like being a mom. My therapist took me back to the moment this feeling started. I described that we were on a walk, and one of my kids was walking close to the railing that is over the freeway. It was in that moment that I felt it. As I was describing the moment to my therapist, she asked me if I felt scared for the safety of my child, and I said that I did- I have this weird fear of falling over railings-even if it is not very logical. We worked through this, and discovered that in the moment that I thought about how I didn’t like being a mom, I was actually scared for my child, and that it manifested itself in not like being a mom. I was afraid. I was afraid for my child, and I didn’t know what to do. I don’t like not knowing what to do, so I just jumped to “I don’t like being a mom.” You guys!!! Do you know what this means? I can reframe this specific situation and instead of telling myself that I don’t like being a mom- I can tell myself that I am afraid that my child is going to get hurt. And work through that. 
The next time we went for a walk, and my child started walking close to the railing, I just told him that when he walks so close to the railing- it makes me afraid, and if he could walk on the other side of me. Which he did, and I felt better.
Do you know what else that means? I can go back into the moments I remember thinking “I don’t like being a mom” and reframe it. Because you know what? Most of the time it was because I was afraid of something- judgement, safety, failing... you get the idea. Instead of working through the fear, I just jumped to “I don’t like being a mom”. I can change the narrative. Do you know how empowering this is? Do you know how this changes my entire life?

I’m not saying that everything has changed, but it has changed enough that I feel hopeful that I can show up in motherhood in a new way. I am taking my power back.

A good therapist is worth their weight in gold.

Shame.

For almost 13 years I have been living in shame. I have shared bits and pieces of my shame, because that is how I am, but never felt fully comfortable sharing it until now. I listened to a podcast by Brene Brown, about comparative suffering. I have felt shameful because motherhood is not what I expected and it does not fulfill me. I didn’t want to talk about it because I know that there are people that are in pain because they cannot have children. I didn’t validate my feelings because of that. I also felt guilty because I don’t want my kids to think that I don’t love them. I would never want my kids to think that I don’t love them. I would never want anyone to think that I am ungrateful for the blessing that having kids is. I am grateful for having Jackson and Thomas. They have made me a better person, and my life is better because of them.

Here is the thing. I wanted to be a mom. I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom and give my life to raising kids. I lived my life that way-dropping out of school- not thinking I would need an education, or a job or a career because I was going to be a mom.

Then I had Jackson, and everything changed. I was depressed. I was overwhelmed. I had postpartum depression. I had Thomas. I was depressed. I was overwhelmed. I had postpartum depression. I didn’t handle the challenge of motherhood very well. I didn’t like leaving my house. I didn’t like who I was. I felt stuck.  I went to a therapist. I started medication. I felt better. I thought that it was enough.
I was supposed to me a mom. I was supposed to love being a mom. Being a mom was supposed to be my life. I didn’t have anything outside of being a mom. I had to be a mom, and I wasn’t happy. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

After years I found joy in other things outside of being a mom. I have realized that I need to create a life outside of being a mom. I regret years ago dropping out of school because I didn’t think I could have a career and be a mom at the same time. I think that would have made a difference. I can’t change that now, but I can move forward knowing what I need.
The thing is. My kids need me right now. I have a job I love, but I wish I could be more. I wish things were different. I mourn what could have been, but move forward with hope. Hope that no matter what I need to do for my kids I can do my best.

I am working on not being ashamed of my feelings of motherhood. I am moving forward without guilt. Some days are harder than others.

I will do what it takes so that my children will grow up to know that I love them. To know that I love myself. To know that life is hard. To know that we can do hard things. And all feelings are valid. And just because you don’t like something doesn’t mean you give up on it.

It’s another magical day here in my life.

Today I went to church by myself. I let the boys stay home. And my outfit is one of my favorites that I’ve worn from Rent the Runway. #emilyselfieatchurch

It’s Sunday around here. And I took a picture.

8:30 church is hard. 

Last night I stayed out late. It was totally worth it-I went to a movie with a friend, but my alarm clock went off early, and I hit the snooze button too many times. We were on time to church, so I consider that a huge win. 

The best part of having early church is that we are done by 10:30. That is glorious. And today was almost 70 degrees, so we opened the windows, went for a walk, and pretty much relaxed. 

Happy Sunday everyone. Here is todays #emilyselfieatchurch

How has it already been 10 years?

At our staff meeting today, we did this little activity. I have to be honest, I had to look up some of these to make sure I had the years right. Can you believe all that has happened in the last 10 years? I certainly can’t. And this is just the beginning. The last 10 years have been amazing. I am grateful for all I learned and did in the last 10 years. I’m pretty sure that if you are reading this, you were a significant part of the last 10 years. 

Here is to the next 10. Also, can you believe that I turn 40 in about 18 months? I can’t. I don’t feel 40 at all. I’m well on my way to completing my 40 by 40 list- see one of the previous blog posts for that list. 

Right now it is snowing. We had a 2-hour early release for the snow. There are rumors that tomorrow will be affected, but I don’t want to think of that right now. 

NOT squat proof. Organized desk. And Prayers. How’s that for a Monday?

Happy Monday. Do you see these leggings? They are really cute; I have worn them before, and loved them. But today. Today was leg day. And I have never worn them on leg day. And these leggings are NOT squat proof. Really. I thought that it was just the white underneath the leggings showing through. And that might be the case, but it looked really close to skin color. So every time I went to do a squat, I was very aware of anyone behind me. I’m just saying. Today was all about the squats, deadlifts and you guys. I thought I was going to die. No one wants to see that. No one wants to be the one wearing the see-through leggings. 

So that’s how my Monday started. It did get significantly better than that. Don’t worry. 

Do you see this? I am so proud of this. I have worked on clearing off my desk, and creating a place that I actually want to spend time. I’m still working on what I am going to put on the walls, but if you saw my desk a few months ago, you’d be impressed. Also, see those drawers? I put it together by myself. Sometimes after Ben has been home awhile, and he takes care of a lot of the manual labor around the house, I forget that I can do it. I forget that I am quite capable of putting IKEA furniture together, or cleaning the kitchen. Or pretty much anything. Although, he did switch out an electrical outlet the other day, I think I would have had to YouTube it. But you know I could probably figure it out. 

Happy Monday everyone. I hope that everyone is having a good day.

Also, in case anyone is wondering, Ben is safe. Still gone, but doing well. Let’s just pray that it stays that way. Seriously. Whether you pray or send out good vibes, or whatever let’s hope for the best in the world. 

Oh and one more thing, can we talk fires in Australia? We need prayers there too!

Anyone else?We can start a prayer roll, and we can add you to our prayers. I’m certainly willing to offer a prayer for you. 

What’s a Sunday without a Selfie?

Today’s #emilyselfieatchurch 

The first Thursday of the rest of your life.

Does anyone feel a little deflated after Christmas? Like everything was leading up to this moment and now all that is left is a pile of fake tree needles. It’s really not that depressing, but I do love turning on the Christmas tree lights. It’s pretty. Anyway. Happy Thursday.

1. So I might be taking a break from Facebook and Instagram, but I decided I love my Thursday posts, so I will post it to my blog. Maybe I’ll blog more, since I’ll have extra time on my hands. So check back regularly. It could be fun. 

2. Break is almost over. I love break, but I am looking forward to the routine of work and school. Now that Christmas is over, winter is almost over too, right? Just kidding. I wish it were. I was just in my basement and saw my beach chair, and it made me excited for summer.

3. 2020 big deal? Or just another year? I don’t know. I’m pretty sure it will have its good and bad, but I’m hoping for a pretty good year. Let’s do it together though, and it will be amazing.

4. I went to my therapist the other day, and I have to say she almost convinced me that I don’t like myself. You guys. I left thinking that I have confidence issues. Y’all- nah. I don’t. I started journaling as if I had confidence issues, and a few seconds in I was like “girl, you’re awesome, and have a lot to offer”. I don’t have perfect confidence in everything, but most everything, I feel pretty good about myself. I just don’t like the way my body looks sometimes. There is a big difference. I fully believe you can have confidence in some things, and need to work on others. Own it. You are incredible. Just ask me, I’ll tell you why you are awesome. 

5. Two things happen when Ben is out of town. The first is the house isn’t as clean. And the second is I don’t sleep as well. I’ve been working on the cleaning thing, as I have decided I would like to have a house that is clean enough that fresh flowers on the table does not look out of place. The sleep thing is a little harder as my kids don’t want to go to bed at 7:30. So for the next little while I will try to figure it out, but I might be doing life tired. And that’s okay. 

Anyway. I hope that everyone has an amazing Thursday, and that you are happy. 

Just so you know, I might not be on social media, but I am still around and can message in a great number of ways.

Love you. Mean it.

40 by 40

What's 40 by 40? I'm glad you asked.  It is a list of 40 things I want to accomplish before my 40th birthday.  Right now I am 36.  I turn 40 September 29, 2021, so I have some time, and I need some help.  If you can help out in anyway- let me know.  Some of you are even on this list.

Without further ado- here is my 40 by 40 list.

1. Skydiving
2. Visit 2 new countries
3. 40 names to the Temple.
4. 40 books- 10 have to be non-fiction
5. Go on a trip with my parents
6. 40 hours of service
7. Visit D.W.
8. Go on a trip with S, K, T
9. Go on a trip with A.H.
10. Go to a museum by myself
11. Go to the beach
12. Run a 1/2 marathon
13. Go on a trip with Ben
14. Visit the Northeast
15. Save money to accomplish my list
16. Ride a train
17. Do a segway tour
18. Learn to make a cake from scratch
19. Read the Book of Mormon
20. Read the Old Testament
21. Read the New Testament
22. Read the Doctrine and Covanents
23. Read the Pearl of Great Price
24. Visit the White House
25. $40 to 40 strangers
26. Make dinner for someone
27. Write 40 letters
28. Write a journal about my 40 by 40 list
29. Hang out with N.H.
30. Travel for work
31. Go skiing
32. Run on the National Mall
33. Run in Central Park
34. Run in another country
35. Go 40 days without spending money
36. Go on a date with Thomas during school
37. Go on a date with Jackson during school
38. Ride in a helicopter
39. Eat a new type of food
40. Do something brave ( I know this one is vague- I'm still working out the details)

So this is my list.  It is going to be a challenge to do some of these things.  Some of them turned out to be easier than I thought.  But you need that on a list like this.  Also, I took off run a marathon- I realized it is not something I really want to do, so I took it off. 

Snow Day.

Wednesday night we received the phone call that school would be cancelled for the boys.  I still had work, but I wasn't worried because Ben said that whenever the schools were closed, his school would be closed as well. 
I went to bed thinking that Ben would be home to watch the boys so that I could go to work.  Unfortunately, Ben did have school, and I didn't have anyone to watch the boys.  I started texted my friends frantically trying to find a solution.  I even texted my boss to see if I could bring the boys to the library for the day.  Luckily, a friend stepped up and said she would watch the boys. 
I arrived at work, only to be sent home because of the icy conditions.  I went and picked up the boys, and we had an awesome day at home together.  It was awesome.

However, the situation made me think.  I love working.  I have a perfect job with perfect hours, and I have extra "me" money every month.  It has been exceptional. Unfortunately, next year, our lives are going to be very different. Ben's job will require him to travel a lot, and I won't have anyone to watch the boys if there is ever a snow day.  Or during the summer, or when the boys have days off. It is pretty sad. I have time to get over it, and perhaps I will be able to find another miracle job that will work. But for right now, I enjoy my job.  I enjoy having a reason to get dressed, a way to get out of the house everyday.

Snow Day Diversions

Self Image

In the spring/summer of 2014, I gained 50 pounds.  I felt completely horrible about myself.  It was devastating to me.  I bought clothes, and I didn't understand why they didn't fit.  I saw pictures of myself and would start crying. I hated the way I looked.  I couldn't understand why I had gained so much weight.  I think it was because of the new medication I was put on, but who knows.  I got rid of any clothes that didn't fit me, and I bought a new wardrobe.  I stopped taking full length pictures of myself.  I started looking at myself differently, and it was depressing.  I was still exercising.  I didn't think I was eating that much.  I was glad we moved because people wouldn't know that I had gained weight.  They would just think that is what I looked like.

A lot changed for me.  I had a lot more empathy for people who lose and gain weight.  I started the process of loving myself no matter what weight I was.  It was hard.  Most days I was okay with how I looked, and other days I struggled.  I really saw how much I depended on how I look to think well of myself.  It was a struggle.  I never fully won that battle, but I don't know that I ever will, no matter what my size.  Then I stopped taking the medication, and competed in a health challenge.  I lost 40 pounds.  It was amazing.  I was almost to the same weight that I started.  I don't think I'm fat, but I'm not skinny either. I think I will struggle with body image issues for the rest of my life.  I don't know that it is something I can get over.  I have become too worried about fat vs. skinny, firm vs. flabby.  It is too bad, because besides this issue, I have a lot of confidence and think I am absolutely amazing.  I have so much going for me, and wish that I could overcome this one challenge.  

Food Storage

Food storage. We have finally gathered together three months of food for our family of four. It’s not really exciting.  If we need to use it, we have rice, black and pinto beans, green beans, corn and dehydrated apples.  Oh, and tampons.  I'm not about to run out of tampons just because the world is ending.  Just saying. 

The Art of the Selfie.

I have a goal of using my camera to take pictures for the blog.  I love when there are pictures on blogs.  So I tried to take a selfie with my camera today, and they were less than stellar- it lead me to think about the art of selfies.  

Let me start by saying I love selfies. I have become quite a pro of taking pictures of myself with my phone.  

The reason I to started taking pictures of myself is because no one really likes taking pictures of me, because I look at the picture, I request that the picture be taken multiple times.  When I take a selfie, I can take as many pictures as I need to make it look good.  That's the secret of a good selfie.  Take a lot of pictures.  Try different angles, try different faces.  Be awkward.  Be silly.  Be yourself. Own it.  Over and over again. I even started taking a selfie every Sunday at church, I use the hashtag #selfieatchurch It has become a fun way to document each week.  I often invite friends to join me in my pictures. It's a fun tradition.  When I look back, it is fun to see the year through my selfies.  So take a picture of yourself.  Then join me every Sunday for #selfieatchurch or make up your own hashtag.  Love your self-(ie). See what I did there?  

I might have the cell phone selfie down, but I don't have the camera selfie quite right yet.  

The weekend that almost didn't happen. Disney World Half Marathon edition.

Let me start off this post by saying.  I hate that I have gained weight.  HATE. IT. 

About a year ago, signed up to do the Disney World 1/2 Marathon.  

The night before I left for the race, I cried to Ben that I didn't think I should waste my time going down to Florida because I was too fat to run.  I know that really, I am not too fat to run, but maybe too fat to do a half marathon.  Serious issues going on in my head, friends.  Serious issues. I should probably see someone about that. Anyway. Driving down I had some anxiety about the race.  Not only was I nervous because this was my first race, but I thought I would be laughed at because I don't look like a runner.

Well friends, I was pleasantly surprised because as soon as I entered the expo, and saw everyone getting their packets, I felt so much better about being an "oversized" runner.  There were a lot of people that I would not classify as looking like "runners", but there they were.  So I felt better.  Whew.  Crisis averted.

Then that night, I went out to dinner with some friends (Love you Intrigue Family), and went home to sleep a few hours before the 3:00 alarm went off.  Man that is early.  But I woke up, and the adrenaline was enough to get me out of bed.

Disney does races well.  It was organized, people were friendly, and it was an awesome atmosphere to run in.  I have to say the only thing that even Disney cannot make magical are the port-o-potties. But I'm not going to complain about that, I am grateful they were there.

My favorite parts- fireworks went off at the start of each corral.  That means, since I was in the second to last corral, I saw the fireworks 15 times before I started running.  AND I was early, so I was at the very front of my corral, so I was the first one off the line.  I felt like a big deal.

At the beginning (not so much at the end) of the race I was passing people.  I'm not kidding.  I. passed. people.  Again, I felt like a big deal.

It was so much fun.  There were characters, cheerleaders, high school bands, volunteer cheer squads, people dressed up in costumes, running through Magic Kingdom and Epcot. 

 It was also tough.  I don't think I am meant for long runs, but that doesn't mean I won't do it again.  Maybe next year?

I finished in 3 hours 40 seconds. That time included stopping to use (and wait for) the aforementioned port-a-potties, taking pictures, and taking pictures of other people. 

I feel good about my time. I was more excited that I actually I finished than what time I got. 

And I got a medal. And a t-shirt.  And a banana. And a snack pack.  And a picture with Bert. And a possible stress fracture. And a blister. Did I mention the medal?

My picture at the expo.  Feeling pumped up and ready.

I dressed up like Mary Poppins, did I tell you that?  The hat was the only thing visible during the race, because it was surprisingly cold. Really cold.

I stopped to take some pictures, but the best photo-op was meeting Burt. And the penguins. 

I finished, with a medal.

Then I went back to the hotel room, and hung out there for awhile.

I had thought about going back to Epcot after the race, but thought "better not".  Instead I spent the day watching TV, then I walked to a nearby restaurant where I enjoyed an excellent meal 100% guilt free.  It was pretty sweet.

Lessons learned: 

1. I'm not too fat or too slow to run a half marathon.

2. If you are going to do a half marathon once in your life- this should be it.

3. I'm pretty awesome.

Oh and I know it's been awhile since I posted.  I'm going to work on that.  I promise.  

Hugs and kisses.

The view from a bus.

Today Ben and I had the chance to ride in a bus for church. Everything seemed a little different from this view, so I took some pictures along our way.

I give you--Sri Lanka from a bus window.

 

Oh and one fun story. Today is Labor Day, and there were a lot of rally's around town, so we had to put a white flag on the bus so that everyone would know that we were not affiliated with any political party, and thus should be allowed to pass in peace.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Time keeps moving forward.

I'm home in Sri Lanka.  I've been here a few weeks now, and I am settling in quite nicely.  I have wanted to blog about it, but I find that I am easily distracted from blogging when things are going well.

Last we talked I was hanging out in Virginia, and things were up in the air as to when/if I was going to be able to come back to Sri Lanka.  Everything was resolved, and I was able to go home after being in Virginia five weeks.  My mom was able to be here, in Sri Lanka, the entire time, and was such a big help.  My mom is a super lady.  She gave up a month and a half of her own life to come here and help us out.  Both Ben and I are extremely grateful for that.  It has been a great blessing in our family.

Thank goodness that drama is over- I may or may not blog more about what happened when I was in Virginia, but I'm not sure yet.

Now we are prepping for our next move; we are leaving here the end of June.  Then we will fly to Utah for the month of July, and finally we will head to North Carolina to begin our next adventure.


Life moves forward, and is pretty good right now.

I understand the airplane safety instructions.

I remember listening to the safety instructions on the airplane as a kid and thinking it was totally unrealistic.  The part where they say that you put your own mask on, and then you assist those you are traveling with.  What parent in their right mind would put their own mask on first? I NEVER got it.  How could you put your own mask on first- it seemed harsh and cruel.  

I FINALLY GET IT.

I miss my kids and and I miss Ben. Words cannot express it. As much as I want to be there with them, I realize that I have to take care of myself first. Being here and getting help not only helps me, but it will help me to be a better wife and mom for them.  As much as I want to fly to Sri Lanka right this moment, I have to be patient. 

I hope that it is not much longer, as things are going really well.  I know right now, that I am getting my mask secure, so that I can help those I am traveling with- this handsome lot right here.

Messages.

I believe in God.  I believe in Jesus Christ.  I believe in prayer and in divine guidance.

The last few weeks have been a time of a lot of prayer and meditation for me.  Another thing that I turned to in order to find peace is attending the LDS Temple here in the area.  This is a story that happened when I attended the Temple last week.

I was just about to leave the Temple when a young missionary (probably 19 or 20 years old) came up to me and told me that he felt like he should come up to me and tell me that "it's going to be okay".  He didn't know why.  Immediately my eyes watered, and I felt the love of my Heavenly Father.  I know that everything is going to be okay.

Then, a few days, and a world away in Sri Lanka, Ben was talking to a very old man for work.  When I say very old, the man was about 92. When the conversation was ending, it turned to God and a little bit of religion, and the man told Ben that "when you do what Christ taught, everything will be okay".

Two very different messengers, but the same message.  Everything will be okay.

I know that Heavenly Father is aware of us.  He will let us know, if we look for it.  In this case, it was a simple message, but it was enough.  Ben and I don't know how everything is going to work out.  There are a lot of things up in the air right now, but we know that it will be okay. And that is enough for me.

I was out and about yesterday, and saw this- "We looked to one another for comfort"
It reminded me of one of my favorite scriptures in the Book of Mormon, Mosiah 18:8-9

8 And it came to pass that he said unto them: Behold, here are the waters of Mormon (for thus were they called) and now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;

 9 Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the first resurrection, that ye may have eternal life—


Thank you for all of you who have mourned with me and comforted me and my family.  It has brought peace of heart and peace of mind during this difficult time; I hope that the richest blessing will be yours.