Day of Independence

 

This year the 4th of July hits differently. I've been frustrated by the recent decision to overturn Roe v. Wade. It actually makes me quite upset. That doesn't mean that I will not celebrate those who, like Ben, give so much for the freedoms we do enjoy. It will also not stop me from celebrating that I am able to vote, and will continue to vote in every election I can. I might not be able to control who is appointed to the Supreme Court, but I can control how I show up and vote. Today I celebrate knowing that there are many people like me, many people who will continue the fight. 

On a lighter more positive note, this outfit might go down as one of my favorites of all time. 

The Tough Stuff.

Today on our walk we talked about end of life planning. What happens if Ben dies in Iraq? Or what if he is in a terrible accident and has to have full-time care? We have had these talks before, as Ben's job has always been dangerous, but this time, for the next year, it is real. We talked about passwords to accounts. We talked about setting up funds for the boys. We talked about funeral arrangements. We talked about how if he gets a flag, Chris (Ben's brother) wants it. What will  the boys and I do? Will we stay where we are or move closer to family? It was a lot of heavy stuff. But for me it was comforting knowing we have a plan. We ended the conversation by saying- statistically we will both be here in a year. And for that I am grateful. And now I can start planning the trip we are taking as a family during one of Ben's R&R's. And what car we are going to buy at the end of this tour. 

 

PRIDE.

 

Both my kids weren't sure if I should wear this pin today. It's the first time I've worn my rainbow pin at church. They were worried about what people at church would say to me. And you know what? I must admit I was a little nervous. Although, I have publicly supported the LGBTQ+ community at church, so the pin should be no surprise. But if wearing a pin is the bravest thing I could do, and it might make someone feel like that they have a place- I will wear my pin. I will wear my pin, and I will have a place next to me no matter who you are. 

And for the record- I had one comment from our bishop - he loved my pin. So pins are welcome. Love is welcome. And so are you. 

All year.  Not just June.

Year Four in the Books.

This was given to me this week from a student from last year. I love the whole thing, but especially that she knew I loved her. 

One of my students wanted to twin on the last day of school. This is what we wore. 

 Another school year is done. This is year 4 for me. This year definitely had its ups and downs. I questioned whether I was in the right job, I questioned my future with my job, and there were a few times I just wanted to give up. I am definitely not perfect at my job. Honestly, I don't even know if I am good at my job. But what I am good at, is making kids feel loved. I am good at saying hello and giving hugs. I'm good at making space for everyone. 

I don't know how much longer I can deal with the commute, but I am staying where I am for at least another year. 

Dear Diary. I'm kind of messed up.

When the pandemic hit, I felt out of control. Everything around me was in chaos. I called crying to my doctor to change my medications, I called two different therapists, I called someone to offer hypnosis. I was spiraling. 

After a few weeks, things in my mind seemed to be settling down, but then I started gaining weight. The gym was closed and my back was hurting so I would go on two hour walks. Then the gym opened up, but I was only comfortable using the cardio machines, so I would use them for 1.5-2 hours a day. And I was still gaining weight. I hired a weight loss coach, and was only able to lose a few pounds. It all came back as soon as I stopped dieting. I worked through the weight gain with a therapist. I was mostly comfortable in my body. Now my only goal was to not gain anymore weight. I started making myself throw up. It started out every once in awhile, and ended up daily. It went on for a few months. I wanted to stop because I knew it was not good for me, but I. COULDN'T. STOP. 

Then I got COVID and couldn't eat because I was so nauseous. I wasn't making myself throw up because I couldn't eat anything.

But you guys. It was the reset I needed. It's only been a few weeks, but I haven't made myself throw up at all. Don't be mistaken, I've also been working with therapists, and a life coach to help me. But I just wanted to celebrate this. 

For me, this is a huge win. I don't know what it looks like in the future, but for right now, I am so grateful to be where I am.