A Challenging List

I have been listening to a podcast called Bold New Mom and I was listening to a free class about increasing confidence.  She suggested making a list of 100 things that I like about myself. It turned out to be a challenge. Mostly because as I was making the list, I found myself wondering what other people would think of my list. Would they agree? Do other people think this of me? I realized how much I do think about what others think of me. I realized it didn't matter what other people thought of my list, it only mattered what I like about myself, and what I think I'm good at. It was a great assignment, that helped me see myself a lot better. I do have a lot of good things going for me. I'm pretty awesome. You should try it.  Because you're pretty awesome too.
Then I took this and applied it to my kids.  I made a list of 50 things I like about them.  It was also challenging.  However, for them, it was challenging to not give a backhanded compliment.  You know what I mean?  For instance, I love it when you don't fight with your brother.  I love it when you actually do your chores. I love it when you don't have an attitude.  I made up my mind to only speak positively about my kids, and it was great.  Now I need to make a list for Ben.

And while I made a list for the boys.  Thomas made one for me.  I thought it was super sweet.

I let Thomas add one to my list- #71- You are good at buying things.  

This is the list that Thomas made for me. 

Self Image

In the spring/summer of 2014, I gained 50 pounds.  I felt completely horrible about myself.  It was devastating to me.  I bought clothes, and I didn't understand why they didn't fit.  I saw pictures of myself and would start crying. I hated the way I looked.  I couldn't understand why I had gained so much weight.  I think it was because of the new medication I was put on, but who knows.  I got rid of any clothes that didn't fit me, and I bought a new wardrobe.  I stopped taking full length pictures of myself.  I started looking at myself differently, and it was depressing.  I was still exercising.  I didn't think I was eating that much.  I was glad we moved because people wouldn't know that I had gained weight.  They would just think that is what I looked like.

A lot changed for me.  I had a lot more empathy for people who lose and gain weight.  I started the process of loving myself no matter what weight I was.  It was hard.  Most days I was okay with how I looked, and other days I struggled.  I really saw how much I depended on how I look to think well of myself.  It was a struggle.  I never fully won that battle, but I don't know that I ever will, no matter what my size.  Then I stopped taking the medication, and competed in a health challenge.  I lost 40 pounds.  It was amazing.  I was almost to the same weight that I started.  I don't think I'm fat, but I'm not skinny either. I think I will struggle with body image issues for the rest of my life.  I don't know that it is something I can get over.  I have become too worried about fat vs. skinny, firm vs. flabby.  It is too bad, because besides this issue, I have a lot of confidence and think I am absolutely amazing.  I have so much going for me, and wish that I could overcome this one challenge.