Shame.

For almost 13 years I have been living in shame. I have shared bits and pieces of my shame, because that is how I am, but never felt fully comfortable sharing it until now. I listened to a podcast by Brene Brown, about comparative suffering. I have felt shameful because motherhood is not what I expected and it does not fulfill me. I didn’t want to talk about it because I know that there are people that are in pain because they cannot have children. I didn’t validate my feelings because of that. I also felt guilty because I don’t want my kids to think that I don’t love them. I would never want my kids to think that I don’t love them. I would never want anyone to think that I am ungrateful for the blessing that having kids is. I am grateful for having Jackson and Thomas. They have made me a better person, and my life is better because of them.

Here is the thing. I wanted to be a mom. I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom and give my life to raising kids. I lived my life that way-dropping out of school- not thinking I would need an education, or a job or a career because I was going to be a mom.

Then I had Jackson, and everything changed. I was depressed. I was overwhelmed. I had postpartum depression. I had Thomas. I was depressed. I was overwhelmed. I had postpartum depression. I didn’t handle the challenge of motherhood very well. I didn’t like leaving my house. I didn’t like who I was. I felt stuck.  I went to a therapist. I started medication. I felt better. I thought that it was enough.
I was supposed to me a mom. I was supposed to love being a mom. Being a mom was supposed to be my life. I didn’t have anything outside of being a mom. I had to be a mom, and I wasn’t happy. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

After years I found joy in other things outside of being a mom. I have realized that I need to create a life outside of being a mom. I regret years ago dropping out of school because I didn’t think I could have a career and be a mom at the same time. I think that would have made a difference. I can’t change that now, but I can move forward knowing what I need.
The thing is. My kids need me right now. I have a job I love, but I wish I could be more. I wish things were different. I mourn what could have been, but move forward with hope. Hope that no matter what I need to do for my kids I can do my best.

I am working on not being ashamed of my feelings of motherhood. I am moving forward without guilt. Some days are harder than others.

I will do what it takes so that my children will grow up to know that I love them. To know that I love myself. To know that life is hard. To know that we can do hard things. And all feelings are valid. And just because you don’t like something doesn’t mean you give up on it.