Reframing. Hope.

Me and my boys. 

Good morning. It is so good to see you. The last time I saw you, things were pretty heavy. Shame is a heavy topic. Shame can be a little uncomfortable. That’s okay. Big emotions can be uncomfortable, and unless we acknowledge them and deal with them, they will continue to be uncomfortable.

Today, however, I would like to talk about hope. Today I want to tell you the next step in my desire to no longer feel shame.

After I wrote the last blog post, I decided to take my thoughts and feelings to my therapist. She asked me to come up with a situation in which I felt like I didn’t like motherhood. As it happened, it was just a few weeks ago. We were on a walk, and one of the kids did something, and immediately my thought was “I hate being a mom”. It seemed to come out of nowhere. It was frustrating, and sad, but I couldn’t get over it. The entire walk, I just kept thinking, I don’t like being a mom. My therapist took me back to the moment this feeling started. I described that we were on a walk, and one of my kids was walking close to the railing that is over the freeway. It was in that moment that I felt it. As I was describing the moment to my therapist, she asked me if I felt scared for the safety of my child, and I said that I did- I have this weird fear of falling over railings-even if it is not very logical. We worked through this, and discovered that in the moment that I thought about how I didn’t like being a mom, I was actually scared for my child, and that it manifested itself in not like being a mom. I was afraid. I was afraid for my child, and I didn’t know what to do. I don’t like not knowing what to do, so I just jumped to “I don’t like being a mom.” You guys!!! Do you know what this means? I can reframe this specific situation and instead of telling myself that I don’t like being a mom- I can tell myself that I am afraid that my child is going to get hurt. And work through that. 
The next time we went for a walk, and my child started walking close to the railing, I just told him that when he walks so close to the railing- it makes me afraid, and if he could walk on the other side of me. Which he did, and I felt better.
Do you know what else that means? I can go back into the moments I remember thinking “I don’t like being a mom” and reframe it. Because you know what? Most of the time it was because I was afraid of something- judgement, safety, failing... you get the idea. Instead of working through the fear, I just jumped to “I don’t like being a mom”. I can change the narrative. Do you know how empowering this is? Do you know how this changes my entire life?

I’m not saying that everything has changed, but it has changed enough that I feel hopeful that I can show up in motherhood in a new way. I am taking my power back.

A good therapist is worth their weight in gold.

Shame.

For almost 13 years I have been living in shame. I have shared bits and pieces of my shame, because that is how I am, but never felt fully comfortable sharing it until now. I listened to a podcast by Brene Brown, about comparative suffering. I have felt shameful because motherhood is not what I expected and it does not fulfill me. I didn’t want to talk about it because I know that there are people that are in pain because they cannot have children. I didn’t validate my feelings because of that. I also felt guilty because I don’t want my kids to think that I don’t love them. I would never want my kids to think that I don’t love them. I would never want anyone to think that I am ungrateful for the blessing that having kids is. I am grateful for having Jackson and Thomas. They have made me a better person, and my life is better because of them.

Here is the thing. I wanted to be a mom. I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom and give my life to raising kids. I lived my life that way-dropping out of school- not thinking I would need an education, or a job or a career because I was going to be a mom.

Then I had Jackson, and everything changed. I was depressed. I was overwhelmed. I had postpartum depression. I had Thomas. I was depressed. I was overwhelmed. I had postpartum depression. I didn’t handle the challenge of motherhood very well. I didn’t like leaving my house. I didn’t like who I was. I felt stuck.  I went to a therapist. I started medication. I felt better. I thought that it was enough.
I was supposed to me a mom. I was supposed to love being a mom. Being a mom was supposed to be my life. I didn’t have anything outside of being a mom. I had to be a mom, and I wasn’t happy. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

After years I found joy in other things outside of being a mom. I have realized that I need to create a life outside of being a mom. I regret years ago dropping out of school because I didn’t think I could have a career and be a mom at the same time. I think that would have made a difference. I can’t change that now, but I can move forward knowing what I need.
The thing is. My kids need me right now. I have a job I love, but I wish I could be more. I wish things were different. I mourn what could have been, but move forward with hope. Hope that no matter what I need to do for my kids I can do my best.

I am working on not being ashamed of my feelings of motherhood. I am moving forward without guilt. Some days are harder than others.

I will do what it takes so that my children will grow up to know that I love them. To know that I love myself. To know that life is hard. To know that we can do hard things. And all feelings are valid. And just because you don’t like something doesn’t mean you give up on it.

My life is good. My life is great. My life is good. My life is great.

It’s Thursday. I’ve had a bit of a rough week. You know, the kind of days you don’t want to get out of bed and face life. But today is a better day.

1. I think I’m going to lose two toenails. Well, maybe I won’t lose them, but they are black. It makes me feel like I am a legit runner. I don’t always feel like a legit runner. I would say more of a jogger. I jog. I’m not fast. I jog on a treadmill. I don’t like being out in the cold. I like jogging outside in the spring and early morning summers, but other than that, I like a treadmill.

2. Did I tell you I’m starting to take classes to work towards my bachelors? One of the regrets in my life is not getting my bachelors degree. So, I am working towards it. Starting this summer. I am so excited to start. I just want to get it finished. I am only taking a few classes at a time, so that I won’t overdo it, but I am taking one foot in front of another. The only thing I’m nervous about is a Statistics class I have to take. Ugh. One foot in front of another.

3. You know what makes Thursday even better? Making it a pizza night.

4. I went and had a root canal redone, but it was so infected, they weren’t able to fix it. So I have to go back next week. I’m glad it isn’t worst case scenario, which included an implant and thousands of dollars so that’s awesome.

5. Although it makes me happy to have warmer weather forecasted for the next little while, I am seriously disappointed with the lack of snow days this year. It’s a shame we have a lo of snow days built in, and we have only used one. Boo.

I hope you all had a good Thursday. Today was a good day for me.

Love you. Mean it.

Sunday is the most special day of the week.

Ben’s home! So he was part of my #emilyselfieatchurch and my outfit and my hair were fantastic. Also, the little girl that sits in front of us a church drew me and my outfit. It was amazing. I love it when kids give me pictures. It’s one of my favorite things.

Happy Sunday everyone.

When life hands you a rainbow sweater, you wear it with red lipstick.

It’s Thursday night at 7:00. I’m tired and ready for bed. It’s been a long week. Kind of emotional, kind of awesome, and kind of rough.

1. Most importantly-Ben is coming home this weekend. So that is very exciting.
2. Due to everything that is happening in the world right now, Ben’s leave has been canceled. Which means, I can no longer go run my race at Disney World. I will have to find another race to run. I am disappointed, but its going to be alright.
3. I have to have a root canal redone tomorrow. I’m not excited about it. If it works, I will be extremely happy. If not, I will have to spend thousands to fix it. So lets hope tomorrow is successful.
4. I have one more week of my month of no social media.
5. I think I only have four. I think I am done. I am ready for bed. I am ready for Ben to be home.

I hope that everybody has had a great day.

Love you. Mean it.

It’s another magical day here in my life.

Today I went to church by myself. I let the boys stay home. And my outfit is one of my favorites that I’ve worn from Rent the Runway. #emilyselfieatchurch

We are halfway through the month.

It’s Thursday. Life has been moving quickly over here. We are halfway through my break from Social Media. How is it going for you? Any difference? I’ve noticed a few things, but nothing life shattering.

1. Two weeks ago when things were uncertain about Ben and what was going to happen, I watched an episode of Jack Ryan, in which Jack Ryan and his team were set up and there was a roadside bomb, and a sniper- it was a huge mistake. I was convinced that Ben was going to be attacked and it was a mess in my head. Note to self. Do not watch ANYTHING like Jack Ryan when your husband is in a dangerous situation. Don’t worry. I watched an episode of Schitt’s Creek to take my mind off of it. Speaking of Ben, he is doing fine. He is safe and happy. We are not sure when he will be home yet, but that’s fine with me. I’m totally fine with the uncertainty of when he is coming home. It is the uncertainty of whether he is in danger that I have the hard time with.
2. I went to the dentist. Actually, Thomas and I went to the dentist. And Thomas came away with NO cavities! And for a kid that doesn’t love brushing his teeth, it was amazing. I wasn’t worried going in, but I might have to have a root canal redone and major work done. Boo. It all depends on what the damage is, but of course they won’t know that until they go in to find out. So it could be a simple procedure, or it could be several thousand dollars. UGH.
3. I went for a long run on Saturday only to have to stop 30 minutes in because my calf was throbbing, and I could barely walk. It was so discouraging. My race is in 5 weeks, so until the race I am taking it easy, and only running. I am going to attempt the long run again on Saturday. This run is long enough, that if I can finish it, I feel confident that I can run the entire half marathon. Wish me luck.
4. I’ve been journaling. Have you ever tried it? It has been incredibly therapeutic for me, and has helped me a lot. I have googled “Journal Prompts for improving body image” and “journal prompts for a more intentional life” and so far so good. My friend also suggested gratitude prompts. I love it.
5. I’m wearing my llama tights today. That brings me joy.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Thursday.

Love you. Mean it.

It’s Sunday around here. And I took a picture.

8:30 church is hard. 

Last night I stayed out late. It was totally worth it-I went to a movie with a friend, but my alarm clock went off early, and I hit the snooze button too many times. We were on time to church, so I consider that a huge win. 

The best part of having early church is that we are done by 10:30. That is glorious. And today was almost 70 degrees, so we opened the windows, went for a walk, and pretty much relaxed. 

Happy Sunday everyone. Here is todays #emilyselfieatchurch

Thursday.

It’s Thursday. Yesterday we had a snow day. This morning I slept in. So yes. I am having a good day.

1. I’m listening to Brene Brown’s book- Braving the Wilderness. It is an incredible book, and I recommend reading/listening to it. Really. I’ve listened to it a few times, but my favorites are- is hard to hate close up and “true belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are,; it requires you to be who you are.” So many good things to learn.
2. I would like to say thank you to all of the people who reached out to me this week. It was a really hard week. Ben was in a place that had potential to be dangerous, with the possibility of doing all sorts of dangerous things if needed. It was a challenge. But thank you for being there for me. For those interested, it looks like things have significantly calmed down. So that is good. He will probably be gone for a few more weeks, but I am totally okay with that.
3. We had our first snow day this week, and it was absolutely amazing. I know that not all of my friends appreciate snow days, but I totally do. They are kind of the best thing about winter.
4. Since I started posting on the blog again, I decided to go through the old blog and look at what used to be my life. It was interesting. I realized that I have always been hard on my body and it’s ridiculous. I also realize that I brag a lot. Not as much as some, but certainly I am guilty of putting the “best of” out there for people to see. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve also put the “real” me out there too, and have been really open about some of my struggles. But even I am not perfect. Also, there were times that I thought I was being brave about posting certain things, and it now seems ridiculous.
5. And Since hardly anyone is going to read this, I want to tell you that I have been watching a show that swears a lot and is probably inappropriate for someone who is not supposed to watch rated R movies. It’s Schitt’s Creek. I die laughing every time I watch it.

I hope that everyone is having a good week.

Love you. Mean it.

How has it already been 10 years?

At our staff meeting today, we did this little activity. I have to be honest, I had to look up some of these to make sure I had the years right. Can you believe all that has happened in the last 10 years? I certainly can’t. And this is just the beginning. The last 10 years have been amazing. I am grateful for all I learned and did in the last 10 years. I’m pretty sure that if you are reading this, you were a significant part of the last 10 years. 

Here is to the next 10. Also, can you believe that I turn 40 in about 18 months? I can’t. I don’t feel 40 at all. I’m well on my way to completing my 40 by 40 list- see one of the previous blog posts for that list. 

Right now it is snowing. We had a 2-hour early release for the snow. There are rumors that tomorrow will be affected, but I don’t want to think of that right now. 

NOT squat proof. Organized desk. And Prayers. How’s that for a Monday?

Happy Monday. Do you see these leggings? They are really cute; I have worn them before, and loved them. But today. Today was leg day. And I have never worn them on leg day. And these leggings are NOT squat proof. Really. I thought that it was just the white underneath the leggings showing through. And that might be the case, but it looked really close to skin color. So every time I went to do a squat, I was very aware of anyone behind me. I’m just saying. Today was all about the squats, deadlifts and you guys. I thought I was going to die. No one wants to see that. No one wants to be the one wearing the see-through leggings. 

So that’s how my Monday started. It did get significantly better than that. Don’t worry. 

Do you see this? I am so proud of this. I have worked on clearing off my desk, and creating a place that I actually want to spend time. I’m still working on what I am going to put on the walls, but if you saw my desk a few months ago, you’d be impressed. Also, see those drawers? I put it together by myself. Sometimes after Ben has been home awhile, and he takes care of a lot of the manual labor around the house, I forget that I can do it. I forget that I am quite capable of putting IKEA furniture together, or cleaning the kitchen. Or pretty much anything. Although, he did switch out an electrical outlet the other day, I think I would have had to YouTube it. But you know I could probably figure it out. 

Happy Monday everyone. I hope that everyone is having a good day.

Also, in case anyone is wondering, Ben is safe. Still gone, but doing well. Let’s just pray that it stays that way. Seriously. Whether you pray or send out good vibes, or whatever let’s hope for the best in the world. 

Oh and one more thing, can we talk fires in Australia? We need prayers there too!

Anyone else?We can start a prayer roll, and we can add you to our prayers. I’m certainly willing to offer a prayer for you. 

What’s a Sunday without a Selfie?

Today’s #emilyselfieatchurch 

The first Thursday of the rest of your life.

Does anyone feel a little deflated after Christmas? Like everything was leading up to this moment and now all that is left is a pile of fake tree needles. It’s really not that depressing, but I do love turning on the Christmas tree lights. It’s pretty. Anyway. Happy Thursday.

1. So I might be taking a break from Facebook and Instagram, but I decided I love my Thursday posts, so I will post it to my blog. Maybe I’ll blog more, since I’ll have extra time on my hands. So check back regularly. It could be fun. 

2. Break is almost over. I love break, but I am looking forward to the routine of work and school. Now that Christmas is over, winter is almost over too, right? Just kidding. I wish it were. I was just in my basement and saw my beach chair, and it made me excited for summer.

3. 2020 big deal? Or just another year? I don’t know. I’m pretty sure it will have its good and bad, but I’m hoping for a pretty good year. Let’s do it together though, and it will be amazing.

4. I went to my therapist the other day, and I have to say she almost convinced me that I don’t like myself. You guys. I left thinking that I have confidence issues. Y’all- nah. I don’t. I started journaling as if I had confidence issues, and a few seconds in I was like “girl, you’re awesome, and have a lot to offer”. I don’t have perfect confidence in everything, but most everything, I feel pretty good about myself. I just don’t like the way my body looks sometimes. There is a big difference. I fully believe you can have confidence in some things, and need to work on others. Own it. You are incredible. Just ask me, I’ll tell you why you are awesome. 

5. Two things happen when Ben is out of town. The first is the house isn’t as clean. And the second is I don’t sleep as well. I’ve been working on the cleaning thing, as I have decided I would like to have a house that is clean enough that fresh flowers on the table does not look out of place. The sleep thing is a little harder as my kids don’t want to go to bed at 7:30. So for the next little while I will try to figure it out, but I might be doing life tired. And that’s okay. 

Anyway. I hope that everyone has an amazing Thursday, and that you are happy. 

Just so you know, I might not be on social media, but I am still around and can message in a great number of ways.

Love you. Mean it.